Harry Potter Parody book 1: The Philosophers (NOT SORCERERS) Stone
by Lord Vader of the Empire
Summary: Book one in my parody of the Harry Potter series. And, like the title says, it's PHILOSOPHERS stone, NOT SORCERERS! Huge fucking difference, Americans. Anyway, ranting aside, enjoy!


**DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER, OR THE PLOT OF THIS FANFIC. ONLY THE CHANGES. LIKE VOLDEMORT BEING A ****_Censored Because Spoilers, sweetie_**

**Anyhoo, just a little something I came up with a few years ago when I was in a church. ENJOY!**

* * *

Vernon Dursley woke up one dull, grey Tuesday morning in number 4, Privet Drive. He looked over to see his wife, Petunia, still asleep. She mumbled something in her sleep, and he looked at the time. "What the hell?" he muttered, checking the clock. It was barely 6:00 AM. He wondered what had woken him, and looking out the window revealed it. Owls. Lots and lots of owls, flying around, sitting, hell, one had taken a massive shit on his car. "Damn it... Ruddy bird..." he said, standing up and stretching. He walked over to the mirror and looked at himself. Short, incredibly fat, blonde hair, and a ridiculous toothbrush mustache. He winked at himself and then went about his regular morning business, but he took an extra long shower, only getting out when he heard his wife and young child stir. After that, Petunia made him breakfast, and his son Dudley punched him in the face. Vernon chuckled, then went back up to his bedroom and changed into a business suit for his work. He owned a drill company called Grunnings. Then, he grabbed everything he needed for work, and walked back downstairs. Dudley was bawling like the baby he was, and food had been thrown everywhere. Petunia was covered in some. She rushed up to Vernon before he walked out the door and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"Have a nice day at work." she said, and he squeezed her ass before responding.

"I will, Petunia." he said, before turning and walking out. He looked at the massive shit stain on his car roof, and grabbed the garden hose, spraying his car until the excrement was gone. He then put it back, and noticed a tabby cat sitting on the wall, reading a map. It had circular markings around its eyes.

"What in the fuck?" he mumbled. Since when could cats read? He shook his head, ignoring it, and got into his car. He drove to work and on the way noticed some very strange things indeed. More owls, flying around, some with what looked like letters tied around their ankles. Men and women, young and old, wearing cloaks and robes. This annoyed him, as Vernon, a cynical bastard, hated people who weren't 100% normal. Finally, he arrived at work, and entered his office. It was a relatively normal morning, he sat with his back to the window, signed papers, yelled at interns and assistants, watched porn, yelled some more, signed more papers, and then the morning was done. For lunch, he decided to buy a doughnut. He sat up, and left the building. As he walked to the bakers across the street, a very peculiar short man in an emerald cloak and robes, with very little of his white hair left, swiftly approached Vernon and shook his hand.

"What the bloody hell?" Vernon said. "Who are you!?" The man merely smiled.

"Today is a day for celebration, even for a muggle like yourself! Rejoice, for the murderous predator, He Who Must Not Be Named is no more!" and with that, the old man strolled away, humming a jaunty tune. On the way back across the street, Vernon clutching seven full boxes of doughnuts, passed by some more people in cloaks, and overheard part of their conversation.

"He who must not be named GONE!" Vernon stopped dead in his tracks to listen, but all he could pick up was "Harry Potter." A panic stricken look appeared on his face, for that was the name of his nephew. He shook his head and continued back to work, where the afternoon proceeded as had the morning, only more food and more porn.

* * *

Vernon parked his car neatly into his driveway, before exiting it and locking the door. He then looked at the wall, and stopped. _The cat was still there._ His jaw dropped. "Must've moved at some point..." he muttered weakly, before shaking his head and entering his house. Petunia rushed forth to greet him, but he was too panicked to even grab her tits.

"Vernon, you're so pale... What's wrong?" she asked softly.

"Um... Have you heard from that sister of yours recently?" he asked nervously.

"Why?" she snapped angrily.

"Uh, nothing... Just curious about their son... Harvy, wasn't it?"

"Harry." she responded stiffly, implying the conversation was over.

"Er, alright... Please don't castrate me.." he added.

Later that night, after a dinner of roast turkey followed by dessert of spotted dick (Vernon insisted upon this particular part of the meal being made to look like an actual dick), Vernon went to bed, swiftly followed by Petunia. "Just gave the little cunt sleeping pills..." she muttered to Vernon.

"Aren't those bad for babies?" he said yawning.

"He'll live."

* * *

It was four in the morning on Privet Drive. Not one person was awake. Except for an old man walking down the street. He was wearing a long, grey robe, which sagged alarmingly at the crotch. Atop his head was a long, slightly phallic pointed hat. A pair of half moon glasses were perched halfway down his long, crooked nose, and he had a long silver beard to go with his long hair, both long enough to be buckled into the black belt at his waist. He wore black buckled boots that almost reached his knees. He strutted halfway along the street, before stopping. He reached into his robes, and pulled out a silver cigarette lighter. However, he had not taken it out for a fag. He opened it, and clicked it, pointed at the nearest street lamp. Suddenly, the light vanished, appearing momentarily in the lighter, before vanishing altogether. He then repeated this process until all the lights were out. He sighed, then glanced at the wall of number 4. And there, he saw a tabby cat with circular markings around the eyes.

"Ah, professor McGonagall, I see your forgoing the parties and sex, just to meet me here." he said, and the cat was no longer a cat, it was a woman. This woman, he looked to be around in her early forties, wore emerald green robes, and had her slowly graying black her tied back in a bun. She looked sternly at the man.

"Dumbledore, you couldn't have come maybe a few hours ago? I started losing the feeling in my ass at around midnight." she said, slightly angrily. He smirked at her.

"That's why I came at this time. Sherbet lemon?" he asked, offering a paper bag.

"What?" she said, leaping off the wall and walking to Albus Dumbledore. "What are those?"

"A muggle sweet I'm rather fond of." he replied. She glared at him, as if to say that now wasn't the time for sherbet lemons.

"Right. Anyway, is it true that you-know-who is gone?" she asked.

"Voldemort. And yes, it is true. Parties across the country." he said. "And call him Voldemort, for fuck's sake." She shuddered.

"Alright, Voldemort. But are the other rumours true? About Lily, and James?"

"I'm afraid so. Only the boy, Harry, survived that murderous predator." and with that, tears fell down McGonagall's face.

"And... Who will be delivering the baby?" she said.

"Hagrid." Dumbledore replied. And McGonagall eyed him irritably.

"Is it wise to trust Hagrid with something so... Valuable?" she asked.

"Well, probably not, but hey, it was either him or that cunt Pettigrew, and he'd be likely to accidentally drop Harry." he responded.

"Aaaaaah." she said. "And, when will Hagrid be arriving?" she added.

"Well, he'd be coming on foot, so a few hours?" he said innocently, and McGonagall groaned. Then, a loud roaring, like a motorcycle, filled the air, and from the sky, a motorbike landed on the ground, with a massive man driving it. This man was about 10 feet tall, had hands the size of dustbin lids, and a tangle of black hair and beard to accompany his beetle black eyes and tanned skin. In one of those massive hands was a bundle of blankets, which moved a little. Obviously, a baby was in there.

"Ullo, Professors." he said, stepping off the bike.

"Hello, Hagrid." Dumbledore said, and he pulled a sealed envelope out of his robes. "Hagrid, please give me Harry." and suddenly, tears filled Hagrids eyes.

"I went to 'is house, like you said, an' it was nothin' but rubble! His parents, dead, Lily raped, an' then, Sirius came outa nowhere, and asked me what happened. Then 'e gave me 'is bike, an' I flew here..." and then Hagrid started wailing.

"Shhhhh!" McGonagall hissed. "You'll wake the muggles!"

Hagrid wiped his eyes, and handed Dumbledore the baby. Dumbledore took Harry with a solemn face, and placed the letter on the blanket. McGonagall looked at him. "Albus, are you sure this is wise? I've been watching them all day, they're the worst muggles ever! The baby, hitting his mother and screaming for sweets, his father, a fat ugly bastard, and his mother, a stuck up bitch! They're-"

"The only family he has left." Dumbledore said, cutting her off. And with that, he strode for the door and placed Harry on he doorstep gently. He then turned to the other two. "Now let's go, there's a lot of partying going on, I passed 17 on the way here." McGonagall nodded, and she disappeared with a cracking noise. Hagrid sighed and walked back to his bike, mounting it and taking off. Then, Dumbledore pulled out his lighter again. He clicked it, and all light was restored to the dark Privet Drive. And with that, he vanished.

Young Harry Potter rolled over in his sleep, clutching the letter, unaware he would be woken by the scream of Petunia Dursley when she opened the door to get the milk, unaware of the pinching and prodding by Dudley, unaware of the ten hellish years ahead of him...

* * *

**Hey people, thanks for reading this. This is gonna be the first chapter in this little parody series of the actual Harry Potter books (yes, I'm doing all 7). The next chapter will be out next Wednesday. **

**Awesome out!**


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